It was a good thing that Tashan didn’t release in multiplexes. A hell of a lot of money was saved with cinema goers not having to fork out 150 bucks per ticket.

Single-screen theatres were expected to do good business thanks to the movie not releasing in multiplexes, but with lacklustre reviews coming in from all corners, no one really went to a single-screen theatre to watch Tashan. A few, like me, did.

I did because I am a hardcore (no pun intended) Kareena Kapoor fan. And I have to tell you, if you like Kareena even a little bit, go check her out in Tashan. The all new size-zero Bebo looks fantabulous. Some might argue that she looks a little too thin, but I for one am not objecting. She’s gotten thin and she’s showing off, couldn’t ask for more. Oh, and yes, the green bikini is simply awesome too.

But apart from her, Tashan is pathetic. You come out of the movie hall shaking your head in disbelief, wondering what such renowned producers like Yashraj are thinking. First a softcore porno flick in Neal & Nikki, then a nauseating Jhoom Barabar Jhoom and now a pathetic Tashan. Yashraj seems to have lost it; this is not what any audience comes to see. The movie was a laugh riot not for its comic sequences, but for its utter stupidity. The climax action sequence was probably the most senseless thing done in movies. They even popped in Chinese fighters out of nowhere so that Akshay Kumar could show off his Spiderman-inspired stunts.

All in all, watch Tashan only if you are a real fan of any of the four lead stars. Otherwise, it’s just not worth its while.

What would you rather have? Sex? Clothes? Or mobiles? Well, if you are an English lady then you would prefer mobiles. If you are an American babe you would prefer clothes. And if you are an Indian girl, you would prefer sex. These are the findings of a couple of US and England studies and I don’t care if they are true or not, I am just happy that I am an Indian guy!

Now, apart from having pity on my American and English counterparts, I am also quite amazed at the amount of time the US and UK institutes spend on such studies. A Californian institute has been in the news a lot particularly for such studies. I wonder what their survey questions for this kind of study were like.

Which of the following would you rather do?

(a)  Shop for clothes

(b)  Make love

(c)   Talk on phone

Or maybe…

If your boyfriend wanted to come over to your place, what would your answer be?

(a)  No way, I am gonna talk with a friend on the phone and then go out shopping with her.

(b)  Oops sorry, but I already have plans to catch up on my SMSes and mobile games

(c)   Sure honey, I am waiting with your favourite lingerie on

Ok. Maybe that’s a wee bit too outrageous. But I guess, you get what I am trying to put across. These stupid studies are so irrelevant that the choices here are not even slightly comparable. I know that shopping is considered to be a ‘sport’ for ladies, but even then, shopping is shopping and sex is sex. And what about those professors conducting these studies? The universities are probably overflowing with empty classrooms.

On and by the way, I have another pitiful issue for them to conduct a study on – Sunny Deol’s Bollywood career. You must have seen the trailers of Big Brother. Phew!

Like thousands of other Indian cricket fans, I went to bed last night in a state of disbelief. Like a majority of them, I came to work late today and like all of them, my state of disbelief is turning into a state of mounting anger.

To say that the team performed badly would be a major understatement. But I am not going into an analysis of that pathetic performance – its happening all over the country anyways, at paan shops, in offices, in the busses and trains and everywhere else. What I am more concerned about the dilemma I am facing right now.

Last night, after Team India got itself ousted form the World Cup, I gave up cricket. Yeah, I am no more a Team India fan. I love the game of cricket but our national team’s poor performance is forcing me to give up the game. After all, why should I spoil my time and my mood over a bunch of no-gooders who are least concerned about their performance because they are already earning tons of money through ads. So many bad days at work would surely get the most of fired. And my patriotic values don’t even allow me to support another team.

But then what do I do? Do I stop watching sports altogether? After all, none of our national team is faring any better in any other sport. The hockey team is in doldrums and tennis has more to do with Sania’s legs than her strokes. Do we even have a team participating in any other sport? Don’t think so.

It’s sad when a team of some of the world’s best players can’t come up with a performance that’s mediocre by their standards but good enough to get them into the next stage of the sport’s biggest event.

It indeed is sad!

As one year draws to an end and the next comes upon us, it becomes almost fashionable for any self-acclaiming writer to list down the things she (or he) remembers the past year by.

In similar fashion, here goes my A-Z list…

Australia vs. Africa – The date: 12/03/06. The stage: The Wanderers, Johannesburg. A match of a lifetime. South Africa, riding on Gibbs’ thunderous 175, chased down an improbable victory target of 435 to create history and give us the best ODI ever.

Brangelina in Pune – Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie came to Pune to shoot for a movie and ended up threatening reporters, abusing students & parents, harassing the city’s residents and creating so much negative publicity that we were eventually happy when they left.

Chikun Guniya Terror – The country was gripped in the Chikun Guniya fever, with deaths being reported from all over the place. People were so scared that every mosquito seemed like the next death carrier.

Downfall of a Dictator – As the year was coming to an end, Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. And then one fine morning we woke up to the news of Saddam already being hanged to death, a hanging that was taken in joy by some and in sorrow by some.

Enough of Reality TV – Nach Baliye, Jhalak Dikhlaja, MTV Roadies, Bigg Boss, Mera Star Superstar, KBC… phew!

Fanna Controversy – Aamir Khan commented about the Narmada Dam. Narendra Modi didn’t like what he said and banned Aamir’s movie Fanna from releasing in Gujarat. All I can say is thankfully the controversy came after Rang De Basanti had released, otherwise we would have missed that too!

Gandhigiri – Lage Raho Munnabhai created waves throughout the nation and projected the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi in such a way that the Father of the Nation became Cool. The buzz now is that Gandhigiri Rocks, Dadagiri Sucks!

Hair-raising! – Aussie umpire Darrell Hair accused Inzy’s team of ball tampering. Inzy blew his top and walked out of the Oval Test. Hair then offered to retire, at a price, but was eventually ousted from the ICC’s panel of elite umpires. Good riddance!

In & Out & In – Sometimes he was in the team, sometimes he wasn’t. But Dada Ganguly was never outta the news. He even did a Pepsi commercial saying, “Jo hua so hua”, winning back sympathy or whatever. But finally, he returned and did pretty ok in Africa.

Justice for Jessica – Manu Sharma was acquitted and the entire nation cried foul. A fresh case was filled, and this time the Delhi High Court sentenced Sharma to life imprisonment. And the entire nation celebrated, finally some justice for Jessica.

Khan plays Bachchan – All year round, SRK filled in the Big B’s shoes, almost literally. From endorsing a couple of similar products and starring in the remake of Don to becoming the new host of KBC, it seems SRK wants to do everything the Big B’s done.

Love in the air – 2006 was a great for me as I met and fell in love with Hiral, got engaged to her, then married her and ended the year with our honeymoon.

Mahajan Tragedies – First the dad gets shot by his own brother, and then just as the family is trying to recover, the son gets arrested for an alleged drugs misadventure. And then the son gets married and is even reported as a wife-beater. What next?

Nonsense Vandalism – Protests and vandalism seem to be the latest in-things of today. The year saw mobs going on rampage at the slightest provocation. One wonders, what the destruction of public property is going to achieve.

Orkut Fame – From out of nowhere came a networking site called Orkut. And “Are you on Orkut?” was the question being asked around. Scrapping became the newest mode of communication and testimonials started defining everybody’s cool quotient.

Presidents in India – First Bush and then Hu. Everyone knew Bush but no one knew Hu. Who Hu? They came, shaked hands with our PM and landmark deals were signed.

Quite Surprising – What? Shashi Tharoor not being chosen as the UN’s Secretary General. He was billed as the Great Indian Hope but it was not to be. Anyways, he did bow out with enhanced prestige for himself and for India.

Reservation Ruckus – Arjun Singh’s proposed move to implement 27% reservation for the OBC in educational institutes rocked the country. It turned out to be the biggest student movement I have seen that turned into a major political saga.

Sanjay Dutt Acquitted – As soon as the 93 Bombay Blast verdicts started being given out, all eyes were on Sanjay Dutt. The fans and the film industry came out in support and to everyone’s delight, Sanjubaba was cleared of all terrorism charges.

Terrorism – 187 people died and over 700 were injured when 7 bombs blasted the local trains at peak hour. Earlier, 20 were killed and over a 100 injured in Varanasi. And then 38 more were killed and a 100 more were injured in Malegaon. So, what’s new?

Up & Down – That’s how the fortunes of Team India went. A good series in Pakistan, thrashings in West Indies, failure to win at home and then a 1^st ever Test victory in Africa before a series-leveling loss. Expect pretty much the same in 2007.

Viva Hrishida – I remember Hrishkesh Mukherjee for Anand and Golmaal. Later I found out that he had directed a number of other great films as well. All in all, the film industry lost a legend, but left behind numerous wonderful memories.

Wow Warnie – Shane Warne, the King of Spin, became the first ever bowler to capture 700 Test wickets. He also announced his retirement from Test cricket at the end of the Ashes series. A huge loss to the game, I feel.

Xtra Attention – On Abhishek and Aishwarya, who else? Will they marry? Will they not? Who cares? I guess the media; they have something to fill up time and space with after all. Ash is even being referred to as the Bachchan Bahu, sheesh!

Yo Roger – Roger Federer ruled the men’s tennis circuit again. 3 Grand Slams and some wonderful feuds with Nadal, Fedex surely seems unstoppable. He’s now set to break the record of most consecutive weeks as World Number One.

Zidane’s Head-butt - The French captain head-butted the Italian Materazzi into his chest, and that too during the WC final. His team first lost him for the penalty shoot-out and then lost the Cup.

It’s been nearly a month since I last sat down in front of my laptop; and it feels good to be back.

For those who came in late, I was away on my Marriage Break. Our magnificent wedding ceremony and subsequent reception were held in Ahmedabad and were made more special by the presence of family and friends. Wifey and I honeymooned in Kerala. Munnar was serene and beautiful, but Poovar was simply mind-blowing. The scenic locales of Poovar were literally the way they describe Poovar – ‘Out Of This World’. We even went to the Vivekananda Rock at Kanyakumari, which was splendid as well.

On the whole, those 10 days were super. Hiral bought a few of the South’s specialty handicrafts; I almost bought a lungi. She collected a bagful of seashells; I collected a dozen insect bites. Her toughest time was on a motorboat; mine was when I almost lost my senses trying to explain pizza to our taxi driver. But, what the heck, even the Iddiyappam was wonderful.

We had lotsa fun and lotsa love out there. It’s been about a week and half since we have started our femily-ke-saath-wali-merrid-life, and sharing my room with her isn’t as much of a problem as it seemed. I get to sleep under the bed. And sometimes can even use the bathroom. A married friend tells me I am lucky!

But well, a lot has happened while I wasn’t around. A few more trains and busses have been torched in Maharashta, winter seems to be still far far away and the Indian team is discovering newer depths of misery. Everything’s so miserable these days that Ganguly’s return has become positive news. There’ll be no one happier than me if he performs well, but even one win by Team India seems too much to wish for. Even with Christmas just round the corner.

I think I’ll just wish for something more realistic – me on an uninhabited island with … crap, I just realized I am newly married!

Oh and by the by, Ganguly’s just scored 83 in a practice match. Seems like things have started well; let’s hope they get better.

There are two reasons behind this post. Firstly, I haven’t posted anything for long and feel obliged to inform my fans that I am very much alive. And secondly, have just returned to work from a week-long Diwali vacation and don’t feel like doing any copywriting work as yet.

In fact, I don’t feel like doing any work at all. The reason being my upcoming marriage. Yes, I am getting married, and soon. Girls, please don’t cry, I can’t be everyone’s. I request you all to not be jealous of my fiancé, Hiral, either. Ofcourse she’s lucky to have me, but ask the people around me and everyone will tell you that I am the luckier one.

Anyways, coming back to my marriage, it has been the preparations of the same that have kept me busy and away from writing for a while. And it’s gonna continue for the times to come. I am getting married on the 14^th of November (yeah, child marriage on children’s day) and then gonna be away for my honeymoon. (Don’t ask me where, I don’t want anyone harassing me for an autograph out there.) I know, I know, you’ll all be missing my work dearly, but can’t help it.

Ok, enough braggadocio. Placing my ego on the side of my desk, for a while, let me tell you a bit about the girl who’s made me so lucky. Her name is Hiral and she’s from Gurgaon. She worked as a Sales Verification Officer (don’t ask me what that is, I have no clue and I still have to figure out what I do) with a bank and is looking to continue on the same lines after marriage. Hiral is really witty, and so uncomplicated. I am often baffled by the way she understands, comprehends and handles people and situations. She’s a hot lover and a warm friend.

And the best thing about her is that she laughs at all of my jokes.

So you see, that’s why I am marrying her (the ego is back). All the girls will be jealous of Hiral, and all guys will be jealous of me, but all I can say is – the best always gets the best!

Be kind, stop being envious and shower us with your good wishes.

Thanks!

The worth of the written word is in question.

Does anyone read anything anymore? No, is what people say.

Too busy, too tired, too preoccupied, reading is a waste of time.

Is it really?

Me thinks not.

When people say who cares what’s written, no one ever bothers to read it; it burns me up.

Not because I feel unappreciated, but because they are wrong.

What’s written does matter. And how.

An ad you come across, a brochure you hold, a website you are surfing, or any communication as such, is there because it needs to sell.

And to sell, you need to inform.

Pictures are fine, but can a decision be made on the basis of just the picture?

Again, me thinks not.

It’s what’s written that makes the buyer buy.

Sure, people are busy. They have busses to catch, children to pick up, food to cook and work to be done.

But when they part with their hard-earned money, it’s only after they have c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y read the about the product or service.

So then, I won’t make this too lengthy, ‘cos you might have other sites to surf, mail to check, laundry to do, or maybe even a date to go on.

The written word still holds importance and is required.

And if you think that ain’t true, what’s up with you?

You are reading this, aren’t you?

We keep getting forwards in our e-mail everyday. Some are good, some are bad and some are pathetic. But you can live with them all. But what really spoils a good e-mail and further ruins an already bad one, is the chain effect.

If you don’t forward this…. Blah blah blah…

Well, on the same route…

If you don’t read my blog, immense bad luck will fall on you.

You won’t be able to read anything ever after.

You might not even be able to understand any language anymore.

If you read but don’t post a comment, more bad luck will fall on you.

You will lose all ability to write.

Your keyboard might even break and the ‘F’, ‘U’, ‘C’ and ‘K’ letters might come and hit you in your face.

If your read but don’t forward it to your friends, you’re doomed.

You’ll be immersed from head to toe with bad luck.

All your e-mail accounts will close down and you’ll never ever be able to access the internet again ever.

And a brick or two might even fall on your head.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

It happens to people, don’t take the risk.

If you forward this, you are set to gain a lot.

If you forward this on a Sunday, any white hair you have will turn black.

If you forward this on a Monday, a person you hate will come and ask you to slap him/her.

If you forward this on a Tuesday, your favourite actor/actress will ask you for a whole night of fun & frolics.

If you forward this on a Wednesday, you will be successful in everything you undertake, unless it affects me adversely.

If you forward this on a Thursday, you will get truckloads of money, which you will be able to spend on anyone except yourself.

If you forward this on a Friday, your first crush from your school days will fall in love with you, although she/he will probably be looking ugly now.

If you forward this on a Saturday, you will get everything you ever wished for with a whole long minute to use it all.

Send this to 7 people from 7 different countries, believing in 7 different religions, having 7 different body-types and 7 different eyebrows, in 7 minutes otherwise you wishes won’t be fulfilled.

Do take this seriously.

Don’t brake the chain.

No one has in the past 77.92 years.

Believe me, you don’t want to be the first person to be engulfed in the wrath of the Chain Break Demon.

Otherwise… ha ha ha…

Which industry has the fiercest competition? All, you might say. But one that comes to mind immediately is Bollywood, or rather the Indian Film Industry, as it is now preferred to be called. Hundreds of movies get made every year and thousands of starry-eyed aspirants come to Mumbai to realize their dreams. But not all make it big. Some turn to other means of livelihood, some go back and a few attempt to grind it out. And this is where wannabe heroines become ‘item girls’.

Some item girls might disagree with me. For the sake of upholding their self-worth, they might say that they entered the industry just to be an item girl and have no aspirations to be a top actress. But I don’t think that’s true. Simply ‘cos that would be like me saying I am in advertising just to be me and don’t wanna be an Alyque Padamsee.

But one thing that these items are good at is creating publicity for themselves. And they have to, with new item girls cropping up every other day and even established actresses gyrating to the tunes of item songs. So when an Aishwarya does a Kajra Re…, a Rakhi is gonna feel seriously insecure. And if a Rakhi, an item song veteran, feels insecure, a newbie like Yasmeen will be as desperate for attention as a fat wife in a topless bar.

So what does Yasmeen do? She contacts some media people and accuses a film producer of sexual harassment, all while she’s shooting in attire that’s a tiny bit more than lingerie. Now, whether she really got harassed or not is another issue, but she at least got her name in the media circuit. And she also gave her fellow community members a new issue to generate publicity on. Some item girls were with her, while some didn’t have any sympathy for her, but they all made statements regarding her. Either way, they all got their names in the papers or on news channels. Nothing else mattered!

As for the media, they too feel desperate. Desperate to increase their viewerships and readerships, with the number of media outfits increasing as well. And to do that, they have to fill up their time slots or column spaces and so, a skimpily clad item girl saying something, or even just posing, is good enough for them. They’ll lap it up like hungry dogs and make hay while the sun shines. And when the sun stops shinning, there’ll be another item girl waiting and craving for some publicity. And thus, the cycle begins yet again.

Makes you think, both communities, the media and the items, are in a way, made for each other.

This July marks the beginning of my 3^rd year as a copywriter. A career, which is almost serendipity, began because I wanted to do something ‘cool’. But thankfully, with a lot of hard work and some amount of luck, I have reached a stage that I am really proud of. I now know for a fact that choosing the field of advertising to make a career in was the right decision. That said, I hereby list a few ads that I grew up on, which were instrumental in seducing me towards this great business.

Some of them are not the best ads we’ve seen and there are few which are only 2-3 years old, but in the context of my life and my career, they too played a major part in making me what I am today.

So here it goes…

Roshan tha Bajaj

This Bajaj Tube-lights and Bulbs ad is probably the oldest one I remember. The young kid hiding below the bed covers and then gulping tablets, which notoriously looked like Gems, when he grew old, still register easily in my mind. And I still remember the jingle, Jab mein chhotta bachcha tha, badi shararat karta tha…

Vadilal

This ice-cream parlour ad still makes my mouth water like it did in those days. I remember the girl with those big glasses and the guy with that heavy beard and ofcourse the jingle, Vadilal brings something new…

Nirma

The Nirma girl, Sangeeta Bijlani and jhaak dher sara…

Lifebuoy

Tandoorasti ki raksha karta hain Lifebuoy… Lifebuoy hain jahan, tandoorast hain wahan…

Yehi Hai Right Choice, Baby

Probably the first ever Hindi-English slogan. Coke’s future ambassadors Aamir and Ash rocked in this Pepsi ad and ofcourse; there was also the then-little-known Mahima.

Amul

Probably one of the world’s longest running campaign, parts of which have truly been Utterly Butterly Delicious.

Tuff Shoes

At that time I didn’t know what Milind Soman and Madhu Sapre were advertising, but their infamous pose is forever etched into my mind.

One Black Coffee, Please

This Erickson ad is probably one of the best mobile phone ads ever. I used to watch TV hoping to come across it.

Vicco Turmeric

Vicco Turmeric, nahi cosmetic, Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic cream… another good jingle ad.

Dhara

Don’t remember much, but I can still picture the young girl shouting, ‘My Daddy Strongest’.

Mayur Suitings

One of SRK’s first endorsements. Not so brilliant but I remember their line… Shah Rukh Mayur Khan.

Esselworld

Esselworld me rahunga main… Ghar nahi nahi nahi jaaunga main….

Nestle Polo

Another one of the longest running slogans… The Mint With A Hole

Liril

Karen Lunel to Preity Zinta and now Deepika Padukone. Everybody likes seeing models in lime green or orange bikinis getting drenched, me included.

Fevicol

The Fevicol ad I really liked was the one with the corny village guy and Katrina Kaif. The Fevicol ads defy logic but pass out the message in the most wonderfully subtle manner. Pakde rehna, chhodna mat…

Sprite

I would probably not want to jab at other brands to enhance my own brand, but I enjoyed watching the Sprite Spoofs. The Lux spoof with Lisa Ray was one of the funniest ones.

Pepsi – What’s there?

The Pepsi ads featuring Kareena, Preity, Saif and Fardeen weren’t outright brilliant but I liked the line, Mausam garam hai, Pepsi ke liye hum besharam hai… What’s there?

Amaron Batteries

The Amaron tortoise-rabbit race ad is probably one of the best cartoon ads. Lasts long, really long!

Reliance

The Reliance Karlo Duniya Mutthi Mein ad is one ad that I love to hate the most. Oh, hold on, Sehwag ki Maa ka phone aayaa…

Coca-Cola

Thanda Matlab Coca-cola, so simple and so so brilliant. Hats off to Prasoon Joshi.

Indica V2

A brilliantly creative way of showcasing a car. Nothing run-of-the-mill like most car ads. More Car, Per Car… Must Be True!

Hutch

Yet another brilliant campaign and superb use of a mascot. Made the entire pug breed famous!

Well, phew, that’s about it. Thanks to all the great people for creating these great and not-so-great ads. Cheers to you all.  

And if you might have noticed, the ads that get remembered over ages are the ones that have great jingles. Just a little something to think about, and maybe even a lesson or two to learn, for us - the creative people of today.